The Greatest Show On Earth

And now onto an event more thrilling and breathtaking than the Beijing Olympics, the American election race and Miami's win against the Patriots combined: The 63rd Session of the United Nations General Assembly General Debate. You may be asking, What is that? But the real question is why doesn't the media show this exciting and exhilarating activity on network television? You would think that the TV stations would be scrambling at the opportunity, but instead they are playing The Price is Right, a game show which has been around for more than 50 years, including a cast of makeup monsters the same age. But that's another subject for another time.

But the 63rd Session of the United Nations General Assembly General Debate (6SUNGAGD for short) is very entertaining. More entertaining, I would say, than a nuclear bomb exploding or a WWF Royal Rumble or an emu running or Obama talking about change, all of which are very exciting to watch.

The 6SUNGAGD party is the who's who of world leaders all getting together and getting their turn to give speeches where they unanimously put down America (read the Great Satan) - who just happens to be the hospitable host nation for the event - while peppering the remainder of their monologue with words such as "peace" and "God" and "unity" and "death to America." Somehow I don't think these words fit together, but then again I'm not the leader of a terrorist sponsoring nation.

Which brings me to my next point: Why doesn't America play along? You get my drift? Every other nation under the sun, including Belize and Monaco, have a lambasting session against the United States, the lone superpower in the world (for now, until Mexico overruns our southern border and takes over all the difficult jobs at the Pentagon, such as cleaning nuclear silos and refueling aircraft carriers, therefore giving them sole power over our military).

And what do our politicians say in response? "My distinguished friends, the United States of America is doing everything within our incredible and mind-boggling power to eradicate terrorism from the face of the Earth, share the peaceful fruits of democracy and disseminate obesity. Join us, my friends, in this mission for mankind's good so we may reap the bountiful harvest of baseball." I am convinced that isn't going anywhere in getting the likes of Chavez and Ahmadinejad to put aside our differences and share breakfast cereals.

I recommend another response: "My idiotic enemies, the United States of America is 250 times more powerful than you. Our great and proud nation challenges anyone who belittles us to a cage fight with one of our ten million Midwestern farm boys who, dare I say, can drive tractors without running into people and lift entire cows with one hand. If you happen to survive that encounter, we will send you to your home country which, by the time you arrive, will be flying the Old Glory atop your presidential palaces, oil refineries and grass huts. We will teach your people to speak English and eat beef. If you feel you have been wronged, we will challenge your strongest men to an American football game, during which our players will rip out your players' kidneys at every down. Did I mention we won't share our breakfast cereals with you?" I believe this would have a much more effective effect on America's enemies. And that would also be the makings of The Greatest Show on Earth.