Monday, March 23

I'm Not Above Self-Promotion

Ha! You thought that I was just a normal ol' Joe Schmoe enamored with giving away free humor whenever he feels like it! were right - somewhat. I do like giving away free humor, but my name isn't Joe Schmoe, it's Jesse Frederick.

Indeed, it has been far too long since I voiced my outrageous views on this site. But it is about time I actually practice some overt self-promotion, contrary to the views of trillions of organisms frequenting the World Wide Web, including spiders, centipedes, robots, bots, bugs, viruses, wooly mammoths and sometimes humans. So here goes:

I am by occupation and training, I must confess, something other than a humor writer: an IRS secret agent. No, I'm just joking. Actually, what I meant to say was that I am a professional resume builder. I have helped literally thousands of job seekers - from entry to executive level - drastically improve their resumes, greatly sharpen their job interview skills and get the career they desire and deserve.

So...what I am getting at is this: if you are finding yourself suffering in today's job market (and many are indeed), hire an expert at helping people get the jobs they want. Hire me - your blog neighborhood resume builder.

Visit here for my website and to take advantage of my FREE example professional resumes and FREE resume tips! Also, visit my blog here to be learn more about how to get a job in today's market, read helpful articles and receive some useful tips and hints. My company is Savvy Scribe Resumes. I am a savvy resume builder willing to offer FREE resume samples. Therefore, if you want to truly be savvy in getting a job in today's dismal career market - email me, call me, visit my site. I'll give you the help you need!

Thursday, January 8

Firing My Lazy Thermocouple!

Today, since I am totally almost 100% overwhelmed and simply tuckered out, I am going to write a humor post. I find that when I am fatigued almost to the point of paralysis and stressed out about as much as President-elect Obama will be on January 21st, humor does me some good. And I am guessing that it will do the same for you, or else you wouldn't be reading this post, unless you are a professional jester and confused this site for a website with job postings for court jesters, which it is not.

Anyway, to start things off, I would just like to say that Ebay is amazing. I might also add that it is totally unpredictable. Which is exactly why things like bent up, used up, worn out, cheap beer bottle caps, empty egg cartons and old Choose Your Own Adventure books sell; while totally practical and useful items such as vacuum sealers, sump pumps and winter coats don't.

In case there is anyone out there with old stuff in their house (which according to my calculations is everyone except one person, namely Bill Gates), my advice to you is to not get rid of it, but rather sell the items on Ebay for a price starting at $99. There is bound to be an idiot out there out of the millions frequenting Ebay every second who is willing to lay down the electronic money to save you from having to hire a trash pickup to get rid of the goods.

Which brings me abruptly to my next point: my water heater is on strike. Actually, it seems as if more specifically it is the thermocouple, but we all know that the water heater is much larger than the thermocouple and could kick its butt and set it back in place running the current necessary if it wanted. But my water heater is lazy and doesn't want to put up the fight, which in turn forces me to forcefully lay down the law and heartlessly replace the thermocouple, which has been a buddy of the water heater's for some 20 years or so. Cruel man that I am. Handy man that is.

And what should I do with the rebel thermocouple? Throw it away, you may emphatically say! But that would be wrong, because we all know that there are some poor people in America scrapping for food and wood and water heater thermocouples, regardless of if they actually work or not. And all these poor people somehow have Internet access and frequent Ebay every second of every day because they don't have to work because good Americans are paying their bills via income taxes. And thus I can get a pretty penny for my stubborn and incorrigible thermocouple.

Friday, January 2

Alas! Gas!

It has been so long since I have put a post on this blog that I don't remember how to write in humoric prose. But that's alright...this isn't about humor - it's about satire. And we all know that satire is a cousin to the grim reaper, Sonic the Hedgehog, Wile E. Coyote and Frank Caliendo (all characters created to make us laugh as a means to soothe the sharp pain in our descending colons at the expense of someone else's descending colon - especially if your name is Charles Barkley). Why? Because I said so and - unlike the retail business - the writer's always write (I mean "right" - that's my acknowledgement to all of my punilicious readers).

No, now you must surely realize that I have lost my blogger touch. Or have I? Either way, that's alright because you're reading this anyway, and I am improving my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, physiological, astronomical, gastrological health by taking stress out to the cleaners and leaving him there until I have time to run into the city to pick him up.

And if you are about to stop reading because you believe that reading this post will do nothing to increase your knowledge of Iran's WMD's, you are dead wrong. I'm about to jump into that right now, because we all know that when things are really bad around us - including the poor economy and gas prices and the Cowboy's dismal season and executives spending billions on food and a President-elect who obviously knows as much about the geopolitical playground as the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner - it helps us to feel better when we learn something truly dreadful and life-threatening: in this case the fact that a terrorist is about to have nuclear weapons.

You would think that as butt-kicking awesome as our Navy Seals are, that we would be able to do something about that, such as having perhaps a couple of them walk into Iran with bombs wrapped around their bodies mummy style - which would probably be the best camouflage available for Iran - and walk up to the nuclear sites and actually take off the bombs and run away while the bomb blast behind them can make them dive on the ground like Harrison Ford does in action movies galore.

Or maybe the seals could do something even more awesome, such as steal the real centrifuges and replace them with centrifuges filled with rotten eggs and other foul-smelling gases, which, when Ahmadinejad comes to inspect would blow up in his face and we could maybe have a hidden camera there and broadcast it on Nightly News with Brian Williams and we would all have a good laugh and the Navy Seals would be given medals for the successful covert mission.

But that won't happen because us Americans don't know how to have a good laugh anymore or how to perform practical jokes throughout the geopolitical playground like Teddy Roosevelt and Winston Churchill did. Bummer, because I was just about ready to have a good laugh at gaseous Iran.