What follows is what goes through my mind when I see these dumb blinking Internet ads which look like they've drunk way too much coffee!!!_____________________
Congratulations!!!!! You are the umpteenth visitor to our website which includes absolutely no useful information whatsoever! In recognition of this amazing feat of actually viewing our hideous web page for more than a millisecond, we would like to reward you with the Umpteenth Visitor’s Award, which presently happens to be a spasmodically and erratically blinking epileptic seizure-inducing web banner!!!*
If you happen to be stupid enough to click on the neon-colored flashing web link, you may be awarded any one of a million gifts which we tried giving away to poor, starving children in Africa; but they didn’t want any of them because they couldn’t eat plastic. So you get this incredible opportunity to enjoy translucent plastic boxes the size of dominoes, perfect for storing your Mexican jumping beans collection in.**
And that’s not all!!! We will even throw in a random piece of packing paper we found somewhere deep in the recesses of our shipping department, personally autographed by a starving African child (the very same one that rejected your plastic box, perhaps).***
Also remember you have the perfect chance to brag to your friends, family and coworkers because you were the Special Umpteenth Visitor to our website and won gifts heads of state would store either deep in their treasure rooms or in Switzerland deposit boxes.**** (Just don’t inform them of certain details, such as our web address or the gifts you received from us or about the fact that you gave 
us your SS number without thinking twice, because they will laugh at you and call you a dork. Don’t ask us why. If you ask why, we reserve the right to invade your home with our very own SWAT team while you are sleeping and confiscate the gifts. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Didn’t think so!)
us your SS number without thinking twice, because they will laugh at you and call you a dork. Don’t ask us why. If you ask why, we reserve the right to invade your home with our very own SWAT team while you are sleeping and confiscate the gifts. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Didn’t think so!)And finally, don’t forget to continue to visit our website 569,387 times a day as to increase your chances to win another Umpteenth Visitor’s Award (which next time may be Mexican jumping beans which Mexican kids rejected because they didn’t jump, but still make good goulashes). Thank you for your continued support. Your Internet naíveté pays for our site.
___________________________________________
* = Only while supplies last. And we cannot be held responsible if you do get a seizure. Our doctors say you will be fine, so if you do get a seizure we will sue you for saying that our doctor is a liar.
** = These supplies will last, because we lied and actually have more like a zillion (not a million) of them.
*** = We cannot confirm the veracity of this statement, but we do know that elephant tusks make great bar stool legs... Wait a second! Did I say that out loud? We are not responsible for the statement we just made, nor does it reflect our beliefs or actions toward elephants in anyway. Although they make great stew... Doooooohhhhhh!!!
**** = This statement may or may not be true. We don't really care, though, because you will not be able to find us because we are as elusive as a Trojan virus. Ha!
Stumble It!
12 comments:
Ohhh, so that's what I could have been in for...glad I never drank the hemlock. :-)
ugh. yes! i hate those bouncing flashing lights. or backgrounds on blogs. or dancing bananas or ...
Dear Jessty,
Sorry, I have to been too busy to comment lately. I do remember the annoying blinking lights from before pop up blockers were invented early in the decade.
Now we just contend with Google Adsense. :)
Wingnut
Jacqueline, yea, you have to watch out for that hemlock stuff. I heard it makes you do some crazy stuff, like do backflips or die (side effects vary).
Washwords, I never thought of dancing bananas, but that should would be annoying!
Yea, Wingnut, I thought for sure you had fallen off the edge of the Earth. But, I was wrong. Which leads me to my next point, Google Adsense ads are about the least annoying ads out there, because they blend into the surroundings and call your name quietly. Which is probably why you find them annoying. :^)
Thanks for the visit and your comment:)
Very well Jessty.
I shall flush my comment out (yes, I realize I left myself wide open for a pun just now, but please refrain until the end of my response).
Yes, Google Adsense is extremely unobtrusive, and I have no objection to someone making money from a blog (please do extremely well). Conceptually, however, Google Adsense is essentially a light form of spam for two reasons.
1) You don't control what you advertise, yet you tacitly approve whatever puts on your page simply because it is your page.
2) Google has no comprehension of your content, only random words. For instance, right now, you are advertising five different ways to travel to China, doubtless because you included the word "China" in your Olympics article. You even offer Chinese lessons. The most interesting—and I'm sure you would remove it if you had any oversight over Google Adsense at all—is this:
Travel with Chinese Girl
Want fantastic Chinese trip with pretty Chinese lady? Find her now!
www.ChnLove.com
I can easily see myself starting a blog (no doubt the Jessty will advertise and promote me heavily should I ever do so) and even using Google Adsense, so don't think this is a personal slam. But if I could find a minimum fuss targeted alternative where I could actually control what was advertised, I would consider it vastly superior to finding that my blog was advertising tours with "pretty Chinese lady" just because I wrote about the Olympics. :)
So THAT was my button. I knew I had one somewhere.
Wingnut
As always, thanks for your comment, Wingnut. I always get a kick out of them.
However, if I had known that "Pretty Chinese Ladies" or Chinese vacations were offensive to you, I would have cancelled Adsense right away. As it is, I will look into other, more accurate (and less offensive) forms of advertising income, such as billboards and men's public restroom posters. Let me know if you come up with any more ideas for me to make money on my blog. :^)
And, as always, thanks for your heartfelt comments.
Maybe McCain is wise to ignore the internets, after all? Can you imagine his first day on the internet, when he finally goes on? "Really? I'm the millionth visitor to this site? How lucky is that?"
I'm in total agreement with you on this one. I hate sites with too much animation that it just gives you a blooming headache by the time you're out of there!
Preach it brother!
And to think... Computers were supposed to make our lives easier!
Ooooh, you are awful - but I like you!
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