'Tis the time to throw javelins. And I'm not talking about the presidential race. Although you may have a point there. You know how American presidents traditionally toss the first pitch at baseball games. (Why? I have no idea. If you know, feel free to let me know because I'm curious since we all know they can't throw worth beans.) Well, why don't we tweak that tradition just a bit and kick off track and field meets with the heave of a javelin from America's Chief Executive? Two reasons why that wouldn't work: (1) that would be about as flagrant a security risk as having the president ride a Greyhound bus in traffic like an everyday citizen and (2) there is nowhere near the fans at track and field events as at baseball games, so it wouldn't be worth the effort of bringing the 500-person entourage, including hair stylists and hired applauders.
Anyway, I am talking about the Summer Olympics! Yes! I have barely been able to keep myself together for the past four years since the 2004 Summer Olympics ended in...whatever city that was. And that one swimmer dude (American) was breaking records left and right about as easily and frequently as drinking beer in Maryland. And that's about all I remember, besides the fact that I just couldn't wait for the next one to come around, so I could make fun of the synchronized swimmers waving their legs in the air like drowning pink flamingoes.
But the real reason I've been looking forward to this year's Olympics is because of its location: Beijing, China. This is a very exciting time for the Chinese people, I am sure, because the last time the Olympics were there was way back over 2,000 years ago when Great Wall Building and Grand Canal Digging were events. This is not to be confused with the European Olympic games from around that time period, especially in Athens, where events consisted of running around naked with a javelin in hand until falling down dead, and posthumously having an unedible, leafy crown placed on the head, which withered faster than the winner's dead body.
But times have changed. We - humankind as a whole - are much more civilized today. Gone are the barbaric days of running around on dirty tracks, kicking up dust for miles, naked (although ladies' beach volleyball comes pretty close). We have kissed goodbye the years of trying to break records without the aid of performance enhancing drugs. And we can consider behind us the times when victors were euphoric about having the Green Giant wreath placed on their heads. Which is exactly why we are having the Olympics in China this summer - we're just that civilized.
Think about it. What better way to show we're civilized than to have the Olympics in China: Home of the Repressed. I mean, wasn't it just less than 20 years ago that democracy and peace-loving students were mashed beneath the treads of army tanks? Now that sounds like an interesting new Olympic event to me. Have a stadium or field or something with barriers around it with hundreds of young adults trapped inside, screaming and running for their lives from the massive tanks barrelling down upon them as they try to find some cover, kind of like the chariot races of old Rome.
But that wouldn't happen today, because we are all more civilized and respectful of human life than we were back in 1989. Ha! (Did I just say that outloud. Excuse me.) Which is exactly why the nations of the world will unite in Beijing, China for some fun, peaceful, friendly, stimulating, sporstmanlike Olympic games while the rest of the world falls apart around them like a soggy cake - we're just that civilized.
And I've heard China - in preparation for the events - has been vacuuming up the air in Beijing (all that's left of it) to make it just that much more challenging to protest. You see, they don't want to be tempted to use the tanks again, not with all the world watching. Which is why it has just come to my attention that athletes will be allowed to hold their breath during their competitions. But the Chinese are used to cities without air - they're just that civilized.
Which brings me to my final point: Will China finally win a medal in basketball? My prediction is yes. With Yao Ming and the smog on their side, how can't they? Unless they're spending all their time preparing for the table tennis games, which they have owned for the last 5,000 years. Or maybe military tank exercises, just in case the smog doesn't halt protests. But that wouldn't be civilized.
Thursday, August 7
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3 comments:
Being The Jesster, it is amazing how you bring so much to light in this actually quite serious article. Thank you for having the courage to jesst and simply tell it like it is. The hypocrisy in the Olympics is maddening.
Hey Jessty,
Since you asked, the ceremonial first ball was originally thrown by a guest and usually from wherever they were to the pitcher or catcher. The first president to do so was President William Howard Taft in 1910 who threw at Griffith Stadium on Washington Senator's Opening Day. Every president since has thrown at least one opening pitch for a major game.
Also, the 2004 Summer Olympics was special because it was in Athens (you know, the home of the Olympic snow cone).
Wingnut
Hubby and I were channel surfing and we ended up watching Phelps win his first gold this evening. When they planned the national anthem they cut it off before it ended. Imagine that! Our texan pres. was in the stands waiving his miniature Old Glory. We saw pictures of our commander in chief sitting at the opening ceremonies conversing with Putin and then Putin went home to wage war with Georgia. I guess Putin stopped at the olympics to pick up his javalin. When is the last time a current (or previous for that matter) president went to the olympics anyway? Ah, here's to random thoughts! Good jest Jester!
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