Oodles of Neons

As I recently walked through the mall, the first thing that came to my attention was the first thing that comes to most anyone’s attention as they walk through the mall: whatever overpriced product happens to be displayed on the neon-colored signs.

Admit it. You just can’t escape the constant, relentless, anxiety-spawning barrage of commercialism. Not today. Not in any modernized part of the world (which is everywhere on this Earth besides Antarctica; parts of Africa, Asia and South America; and Arkansas). Not with oodles of neon advertisements which practically blind you with the same intensity of staring up at a solar eclipse without nuclear blast-safe sunglasses.

Bolder, brighter, bigger. Oodles of neons. And I’m getting fed up with all of it. If you are as well, I propose we the consumers take a united stand on the united front of turning our backs to the neon signs in a manner similar to John Wayne walking away from the bad guy in the movie The Cowboys—which was with a calm, cool, and collected "I'm not afraid of having a bare knuckle brawl with you even though you have a gun and I don't" demeanor.

You may say, “Yes, but John Wayne was killed after he did that in the movie. Are we going to have to face the same fate as The Duke? I don't know if it's worth it. Besides, my credit card has a large enough credit limit on it for me to purchase 10 nuclear submarines and the Neushwanstein Castle. Must I really turn big consumer business down?” These are good questions and concerns, because we all know that every time a consumer has stood up and resisted purchasing against an overly-friendly salesperson, he or she was asked to "try one more garment on," reluctantly walked into the fitting room, came out about 3 minutes later, and eagerly strode straight up to the cash register to purchase the $3,000 name-brand, pumpkin-orange gown or suit which visibly was not their color. Obviously, we must admit there was some foul play going on in the fitting room to change the consumer's mind like that - perhaps a 300-pound hitman with a .45 caliber and a thick Italian accent. That’s why us consumers buy about anything at elegant stores regardless of the price: we don’t want to end up a victim of a Michael Corleone-style “You didn’t take the offer you couldn’t refuse” mattress war.

But signs are different. We don’t buy signs. They were created by big consumer business fairies to hypnotize us into buying whatever is advertised in flashy, in-your-face neon colors on the sign. Then they get us where they want us, walking with our hands out in front of us with money in them like a zombie into the mall. Yes, we consumers have a big job in front of us. We have to resist the hypnotic pull of the neon signs. But we don't have to be worried about being brutally murdered by shadow mafia hitmen coming out of the neon-colored woodwork if we don’t decide to drop everything and purchase that $150,000 diamond, titanium, gold, kryptonite Rolex watch which Roger Federer wore every time he received the Wimbledon plate, which was advertised in an obnoxiously flamboyant manner on the sign. Just resist and run before the Sicilians find out.

And then there is the number-one cause of car accidents on interstate highways within 10 miles of shopping malls and Olive Garden restaurants: billboards. Personally, I believe the driver shouldn’t have a problem avoiding temptation from the sign, no matter how appealing it may be. The driver should be looking at the road. Of course, this is true unless the driver happens to be a female between the ages of 16-40. Otherwise it is the passenger (again, usually female between the ages of 16-40) who does the tempting, like Eve did to Adam concerning the forbidden fruit. And it is usually at this time that the male driver looks up to see what is on the billboard and ends up crashing the car and - thankfully for us men - cutting the shopping trip short. However, these accidents are too often fatal.

Therefore, I believe billboards should be banned by the American government. Or at least they should have a Surgeon General-like warning on them so the female passenger can say something like: “Wow! Look at that billboard. Can we stop at… Wait a second! Don’t look at the billboard! The Surgeon General says there is a 51% chance of getting into a fatal accident if female passengers get their male drivers to glance up from the road and onto the sign! And I really need to get to JCPenney's today!” Thus disaster would have been averted.

But I doubt the American government will ever get involved, unless it has something to do with receiving trillions of dollars to pay for new White House draperies and cushier chairs in the Capital building, which it doesn’t. So it is up to us consumers to make a united stand against oodles of neons by not responding to the flashy signs—but rather coolly, calmly, collectively striding away and buying only what we need, like John Wayne would.